Surviving Cherry

After seeing Life and Lewis speak up, I feel like I have to come forward with my own encounter I had just this morning. This is about me #survivingCherry I saw Cherry at Trader Joe’s this morning just after 9 am. I told her how cool it was to meet her in person — the winner of Celebs Season 4 — but I didn’t want to be annoying or ask for a picture. She said, “Oh, like you’re doing now, dairy boy?” (I’m not even from Wisconsin.) I just froze and said “Huh?” but she kept cutting me off, going “Huh? Huh? Huh?” and swirling her iced oat latte like she was casting judgment. Brat, her Brazilian gay best friend, was standing beside her in oversized sunglasses holding a tiny rescue dog that may or may not have been a rat. I walked away, trying to play it cool, but I heard Cherry whisper to Brat, “That one buys non-vegan creamer,” and they both cackled like witches from a Whole Foods coven. When I got to checkout, I saw Cherry again — this time trying to leave with about twelve bottles of kombucha, three loaves of sourdough, and a bag of nutritional yeast without paying. The cashier, being super polite, said, “Ma’am, you need to pay for those first.” Cherry sighed like a martyr and said, “My currency is charisma, babe.” When the cashier started scanning one item twice, Cherry gasped and said, “Scan them individually! Brat, tell her about the electromagnetic vegan grid!” Brat nodded solemnly and adjusted his scarf. The cashier scanned each item like she was performing a ritual. When she told Cherry the total, Cherry yawned dramatically and said, “I’m from Wisconsin, sweetie. We don’t believe in totals.” Then she winked, turned to Brat, and said, “Let’s blow this dairy aisle.” And they did — walking out together, radiant and untouchable, like a cult leader and her favorite apostle, as she shook her glorious tits. I was so stoked to meet her but it did not go as expected. 😕