I've Not Been Able to Get Over

This thought I've been having lately. Growing up I was pretty much the weird or socially awkward kid. I never really had any strong tight friendships or groups growing up, and whenever I wasn't at school I was pretty much at home, not seeing or hanging out with anyone. Even though I grew into certain groups as I got older and graduated HS before moving onto the real world, I can't help but look back and think that none of those relationships were ever truly genuine. I mean, knowing a lot of people whenever they see the awkward or weird person they usually either play nice but keep their distance or flat out don't want to associate with them at all. I had "friends" as I do now, but I can't escape the thought that it's all a facade. Why would anyone want to voluntarily be around me if I'm just that off-putting in general? Is that why no one really talks to me? Is that why I find it hard to contribute in conversations or in groups? I'm not even sure if what I'm saying even makes sense. The point is that I've never known a single person in my life who I ever felt a strong genuine connection with. When I was younger it definitely seemed like I cared a lot more than they did. Nowadays I'm far more reclusive, out of the fear that whoever it is I'm talking to would rather be doing anything else, so I spare them the agony and inconvenience. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe I am just that helpless after all. I've been called an asshole and standoffish and awkward before, but being more aware of all that hasn't changed anything. All it's done is given me more reason to just hideaway. I know I'm rambling, I just hope what I'm saying makes any iota of sense. Because I'm at a point where it barely makes sense to me and I'm not sure how to even live and proceed at this point.